UHNW and HNW WOMEN: HOW TO FIND THE THERAPIST FOR YOU
facets of you – UHNW WOMEN & MENTAL HEALTH
HOW TO FIND THE THERAPIST FOR YOU
WHY DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR THERAPIST MATTER AND HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT ONE?
Join today’s conversation on why you as an UHNW or HNW Women need to find your best therapist in helping you to manage your mental health ‘disorder’. Find out Why your relationship with your therapist matters? How you can go about finding the ‘perfect’ therapist? What do you do when the relationship is not working out for you? How much does therapy cost? How often do you have to see your therapist? Is there a stereotype about therapists?
You are an affluent woman. You are shy or an introvert. Perhaps with low level autism. You live in an affluent home. You live an affluent lifestyle. You have weight fluctuations. You have dietary impulses. Yet with all the wealth that you have accumulated you are experiencing a mental health disorder that requires you to seek a therapist. Not just any therapist but one that ‘clicks’ with you. So how do you start that process to move forward with your ‘recovery’? Warts and all.
WHY DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR THERAPIST MATTER AND HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT ONE?
Client: Amanda
Amanda: Sometimes I think that people who are similarly in a position of wealth to me need therapy just to survive the bollocks that goes on around us. The guilt thing for being affluent and no-one from where I started off in life from has gotten close to where I am now. The being there for family and friends who are having a rough time. How long are you supposed to support and look after them? Why do you feel resentment at times? When does your ‘true’ happiness begin? Or has it already begun. The whole mindset thing comes into play here. Not only mine, but also theirs. The ‘theirs’ being the family and friends that are being supported by me. Why can’t they move forward like I did?
HOW IS THERAPY SUGGESTED TO YOU AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THERAPISTS DO?
Client: Olga
Olga: When you are in a bad way sometimes you just object to the truth of it all. It takes the love and honesty of a real friend, or member of your family to help you to see someone professional about your mental health. When you start down that path of finding a professional you are definitely thinking about the type of person that they are and what they are going to do you. You definitely want to know what they do. Now that I have a therapist that clicks with me, I regard her as a personal trainer of the mind, which helps my body and soul.
Client: Annie
Annie: Psychiatry and psychology is a big mystery to many people. It seems to be evolving all the time. The thought of being sectioned does flitter through your mind. Such things really happened at the drop of a hat not too long ago. It truly is important to know what your therapist is doing. You are placing your life in their hands and you need to feel comfortable with whatever they are writing up about you and in which direction they are taking you through this process with them. That is essentially how I feel about what therapists do.
HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE A THERAPIST OVER MANY OTHERS AND HOW DOES THE RELATIONSHIP WORK OUT?
Mental Health Therapist: Sandra
Therapist Sandra: I focus on two areas within a specific type of counselling. In addition, I help clients to cope with conditions such as anxiety, depression and challenging life episodes such as a relationship breakdown or a bereavement. There are many types of therapies for various diagnosis and conditions, so when a client is trying to choose the perfect therapist for her/himself there are a few things that should be considered. In general it is a combination of a handful of definitive aspects.
1. The first is that you must be able to get along with the therapist, counsellor or doctor.
2. The second is that you must be at ease with; you must be willing to go with, the type of counselling that you are to receive. The modality. Basically, a relationship between the method of therapy to the diagnosis and the care provided to improve the situation of the diagnosis. It has to sit comfortably with you as a patient because you are going to be doing most of the work in order to get better. In other words, helping you to help yourself.
3. The third is that the therapist, doctor or counsellor is proficiently knowledgeable in that area of mental health illness to help you address the issue that you have arrived with at their office.
Even if someone suggests that you receive therapy from a mental health therapist, there is still that shame and stigma associated with having mental health and having a therapist. It does not matter who you are. The label sticks whether you are a pauper or a Prince.
Being in a relationship with a therapist works differently to the type of relationship that a patient has with members of their family, with friends and with work colleagues. There are expectations and there are boundaries.
I get referrals through the NHS in the United Kingdom. I understand that in other countries, when clients get referred to a therapist, doctor or counsellor through their state or national health provider they are given what is available. The choice will be limited and you will not always be able to choose who you want to see, especially if there is a preferred therapist.
Conversely, if the relationship between a client and a therapist is not working then it is a client’s right to ask for a referral to a different therapist. The process starts again and there is inevitably a wait. How long the wait is is dependent upon the availability of the therapist. I have observed that for many clients there will be some aspect that they can identify to, or can relate to, within their therapist. When clients are in a position of being able to choose their therapist they usually opt for a similarity in ethnicity, culture or religion. The reason for this is because clients often need some kind of visual reassurance. It is a feeling that the person sitting with them is going to understand them better than someone who has no experience or idea about their ethnicity, culture or religion.
Private therapy costs. It can be an average fee or it can be high priced. Private therapy covers different income brackets. There is a price for everyone when seeking private therapy. Of course the more disposable income that you have the greater your choice for assistance with your mental health illness. It is understandable that there will be counselling services and therapeutic services out there that are going to be within the reach of some, whilst being out of reach of others. It is all about trying to access what you can afford.
Clients need to understand that therapists and counsellors are human beings like them. Made from flesh and blood as they are. Yes. At times therapists and counsellors can let slip words in error. It is true that much of the success of therapy can be founded upon the relationship that a client has with their therapist. It is important to understand that what is vital to all therapy, what has been proven and what has been shown in mental health research, is the evidence. The therapy is only as effective as the therapeutic relationship is between the therapist and the client. As a client if you do not feel that you are benefiting from the appointments because of too many wrong things being said by the therapist, or, that you do not feel that the relationship is working for whatever reason, then you can simply walk away and find someone else. You have that choice.
There are some therapists who consider themselves as God. There are different therapists as much as there are different people. Every one has a different take on life. If a client has a friend that they can talk to whilst they are trying to find an ideal therapist or counsellor, then that is great. This is a huge support that true friends can give. It helps the client with the transition to a professional therapist. Once a client-therapist relationship ensues the boundaries must be set. In essence, it is about bringing the professional therapist Sandra to the table and still being me. This includes an absolute boundary around self disclosure and not being too personal. Or you can not be personal at all with placing a wall that allows no emotional or empathy with the client. No connection to them as a person at all. But if that works for the patient and the therapist then that is fine. It is all about the client. It is their time. They are paying for your expertise. They are not there for tea and cakes and a gossipy chit chat. Clients do not need to sit and hear about my personal happiness or, my personal spare time, because to me that just confuses the work. Saying that, another therapist, doctor or counsellor from a different type of therapy might have different boundaries and approach each client in a different manner. It is whatever works for the relationship and at the end of the time together adds to the well-being of the client. As I said before, it is all about the client.
I always sit in the same place each time that I see a client. At my desk. It simply establishes a certainty and a familiarity in the relationship. Like a safe haven.
As I prefer to work from my desk, my clients have the option of sitting in a chair or laying down on the sofa. Some clients like that I am not looking at them as they speak. For others that like me to look at them as they are speaking I will usually use a tape recorder for the appointment and then write up the notes at the end of the appointment. Traditionally therapists sit behind their patient so that the patient is not distracted by any gestures that the therapist make that might influence what the patient is saying or wanting to say. Saying that though, the sofa is a good place to start for most people. It places patients at ease.
Therapist-Client relationships at some point have to come to an end. For some it can be a natural ending. For others it can feel somewhat awkward. As a therapist, it is all about having an honest conversation with my client. From start to finish. What it is not is an aim to convince them that they do not need any support any more. It is about the ‘Why’ the relationship is ending. It may be that the client needs a different form of help or guidance to help them in their next stage of recovery, development and learning to aid their well-being. So as my door closes another opens for the client.
When people hear that you work in psychiatry they do say the old phase “So tell me about your mother.” It is corny, but I suppose they just cannot help coming out with it.
Client: Amanda
Amanda: In a strange way choosing a therapist is like looking at a Match.com profile. I have to take that person’s word as gospel that they do know what they are doing. The only other thing that I can make a decision on is if I like the look of them, or not. If I like the look of the therapist I make the first move and send them a message. It is like being on a professional dating site, or so people tell me. I tend to prefer choosing a therapist in their 50’s+. Or if I am pushed to make a decision because I cannot find my preferred choice, then I opt for someone from the age of 45 onwards. They have more life experience so can relate to people better. That is how I see it. It is a personal choice. My choice.
I have been through much in my years. I came from a humble, immigrant background. An impoverished one. I never liked it. I always wanted better for myself. Then I was sexually abused before my teenage years. I struggled to tell anyone about it. Growing up was difficult in forming relationships with boys. I was just withdrawn. An introvert. During further adult education classes I had taken an overdose, the weight of the abuse had impacted heavily upon me. It was from there that the issue of the abuse poured out of me. My parents were angry with me for not telling them. It was from that point that I commenced on the road to therapists.
Let me tell you about the very first therapist that I saw. After telling this therapist that I had been abused as a child, the very first response was “Well why did you not stop it?” I looked at this person with absolute incredulity. I was shocked by the response. Is that the standard first question that therapists are taught to ask an abused victim? I simply picked up my things and walked out. I said to myself that I was not going to return there. I have not.
It has been a long time coming in finding this current therapist. Over 10 years. This incredible therapist lady definitely changed my life around. She is compassionate. She is understanding. We simply just clicked together into an amazing partnership.
When you have a terrible experience on your first couple of appointments with a therapist it can linger in your psyche as to what the other therapists are like. You kind of tar them all with the same brush. You are always nervous about going to meet a new therapist. Sometimes I get the impression that the therapist is thinking that there is nothing really wrong with me. That I am an attention seeker. When I felt that feeling it made me feel guilty that my mental health issue was not an issue. That my mental health ‘disorder’ was a generic problem that everyone has. That I should pull myself together and just get on with life.
Client: Olga
Olga: Yes. It is true that finding the right therapist can be a bit of a mind field. How I was able to find this current therapist was by looking up the search results and any user experiences to see what people were saying. It was then a simple process of contacting the therapist. I actually asked my doctor to refer me to this therapist and I also sent a message via their contact page. I wanted to cover all the bases so that I was able to start with someone as soon as possible.
Client: Annie
Annie: The first thing that I did was to email a counsellor that I thought would be ideal for me, but after a conversation with that particular professional they recommended another therapist for me that was better suited to my situation. I liked that very much. It was like someone took the trouble to help me even though I was not gong to be a patient of theirs. That is what you want when you are delving into lists and lists of names of therapists. Good signposting from people in the sector makes the road to ‘recovery’ or well-being more achievable. It is like a bespoke team of people or organisations being built for you to help you on your life journey. You make the time for them, because they make the time for you and want to help you get better.
CAN YOU TELL IF A RELATIONSHIP HAS HIT THE FIRST HURDLE? IF YES, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Client: Annie
Annie: Key for me is that the process with whomever your therapist is, is for there not to be any judgement. You do not need it. It should not even be a part of the process that you go through. At the first sign of any judgment upon you and your situation, question why the therapist is going down that route. Get up and leave. Non judgement is vital. Judgement is bullshit. That is it.
Client: Amanda
Amanda: Whenever you start on the road to finding a therapist you always have a little apprehension about whether or not you are going to like the person. That the relationship will even work. I always telephone a therapist after I have read their information online. Thank goodness for the Internet making this so much easier for me. It is sad but true that some therapists view clients as a Cash Cow. That the sale and exclusivity is everything to them. On one occasion I had made a telephone call to a therapist and she asked me “Have you called any other therapist? Who had you spoken to previously?” Those types of questions did not sit well with me. She made me feel as though I was a sales product and she wanted some sales history to my diagnosis. That was too much. Perhaps it is written in a book of psychiatry and psychology that when entering into business with a client you have to assess their viability as an income earner. That you are not to rely solely on state hospital referrals. That private patients are the ones that make you successful and rich. I just had to cut the conversation short. So I finished the conversation with a “Thank you and Goodbye.” That therapist was not right for me. Not right at all.
Client: Olga
Olga: For me it is a feeling. When the feeling comes over me I just know that this person is not right for me. It could be anything. I give the benefit of the doubt to people, but when the word NO is screaming at me, it is a No. I am not going to fight that feeling. It is there for a reason.
HOW MUCH DOES THERAPY COST AND HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE TO ATTEND?
Client: Amanda
Amanda: I see my therapist every two weeks for convenience. Some people see their therapist once every week. Some twice a week. It is not cheap but it is worth it. There is never a time where I feel ashamed and embarrassed about what I spend on seeing a therapist. Whatever it costs is whatever it costs. There is no bargain basement price to my well-being. My mental health is as important to my physical health. To my spiritual strength. To my ability to be me. How ever many hours that I spend with my therapist per week, per two weeks or per month is a vital component to my lifestyle. There. My therapist is a part of my lifestyle. The therapist is there to help me figure things out. The therapist is a professional and I pay her well, very well for her time.
Client: Olga
Olga: I realised early on that private therapy was going to be pricey but I am fortunate enough to be able to have the funds. For the price that I pay, the frequency of the therapy is perfect. It adds benefit to whatever else is happening in my life at this moment in time. I make sure that I attend the appointments and get value from it. I do not waste time and I do NOT waste money.
Client: Annie
Annie: Finding the right therapist is definitely very subjective, especially when it comes to how much they charge per session or for a set therapy program. You are looking for an end goal and you want the best therapist who can help deliver that outcome for you at a price that seems reasonable to you.
DO YOU DISCUSS YOUR THERAPIST WITH OTHER PEOPLE?
Client: Amanda
Amanda: I like talking about my therapist to people that know about my condition. The relationship has become a normal one. The boundaries are there, we understand each other and we have a mutually beneficial relationship. I understand this therapist and she understands me. So getting back to whether or not I talk about my therapist to others. Yes. Yes I do. Why not? She is an amazing lady. My friends are happy that at last I have a mental health professional who is taking good care of me. So much so that they want to spend some time with her. Not for therapy, but to hang out with her. Is that not cool!
IS THERE A STEREOTYPE THAT PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH THERAPISTS, DOCTORS AND COUNSELLORS?
Client: Amanda
Amanda: There is still this image of therapy that dates back to Jung and Freud. That all therapists have dark and dingy rooms with someone speaking in a strange foreign accent.
The thing that strikes most people when they envisage a therapist’s space for appointments is that it is not this stereotypical dark and dingy space, with dark wood furniture, with mountains of books, with a large leather sofa and a tall lamp. Some spaces are airy and bright. Some spaces look like a living room. Some spaces look like an ordinary office.
